Find your person.

Lately all I’ve been feeling is negativity. Every time I’m around others, I feel tension… Like they would rather spend time anywhere but in my company. I feel so alone. I could not give you one name of a friend I could call this very moment if I needed someone. That makes me sad. Is it my fault? Have I pushed everyone away that I care about?

I’m not very close with my family and besides my closest relative lives 6 hours away. I don’t have a best friend. I have “Theatre” friends, but only a couple that know the true me. But I don’t have that person… My person. I lost my person 22 years ago, my best friend, my sister, due to someone’s carelessness. It took me over a decade to let someone in again. Everytime I let someone get that close, life happens… Things change.

You don’t realize how important it is to have that type of person in your life. Someone who is just a part of you. Not your partner or spouse, or your mom.. but someone that you can let everything go with and be your true self…. Raw and Real. That one person that no matter what will not judge you, but will be honest and caring at the same time. Your total opposite, yet your twin in some sense. The Ying to your Yang. Your sanity.

I’m a complicated person. I’m actually a little weird. I’m a complete introvert unless it has to do with Theatre or Volunteering. I love to be around people, yet hate it in the same breath. I have complete anxiety in large groups, yet in theatre that’s really what you have.. large groups of people all the time. I’m probably one the happiest people you know, and the saddest. I know what’s right, yet my mind always thinks of the wrong. I’m really a glass half empty kind of girl, but act like a glass half full. I am the person who makes others run. I have so much passion for things, but no confidence to do anything about it.

I guess if I wasn’t me, I may not want to be around me either. Maybe that’s why I keep losing my person.

So the whole point here is…. Find your person. Life is so much more interesting with one!

Find. My. Person.

Broken

When I’m feeling broken and I get that feeling that I’m not sure if I can go on, I say this to myself over and over…. “The darkest night will end, and the sun will rise” – It will and it does. Kind of ironic coming from a person who thinks about death every day. Yes, I want to die. But I can’t. Dealing with chronic illness is horrible. I push and push until I can’t anymore. I have few friends and the few that I call my friends are incredible, but I’m still alone. I have a beautiful family, wonderful husband, 3 crazy kids… I’m in a full house of love, but I’m still alone. My life is consumed by pain. Pain is my number one priority. Pain is my enemy. Pain makes me want to give up. I want to die. But I can’t. Recently I had a friend who passed. We were not “bestie’s”, I didn’t know his deepest darkest secrets… But he was a good man. He was giving and loving. And way too young to die. The reason I’m telling you this is because 2 days after his funeral his girlfriend committed suicide. She was in so much pain, she felt it necessary to end her own life to be with him. I didn’t even know this woman, but I felt such pain. I felt broken. I cried for her, I cried for her family. I cried for myself, cause I have felt that need. I feel it Every day. So the crazy idea that I want to die…. The craziness that I think about it every single day…. Some may say I’m suicidal. Maybe I am. But I could never end my life. I couldn’t do that to my children, I couldn’t do that to my husband or the people that love me. No matter how much I hurt, no matter how sad I get…. I know I am loved and needed by someone. So I push and I push…. And another day passes. I would do anything to not be this way. To not have these thoughts. To not feel. But this is the hand I was dealt, not sure why but it’s mine. So I stay as strong as I can. Let the thoughts run their course and push through. Til tomorrow…

My year in review, 2016.

It has been quite a year. Ups, Downs, Lefts, Rights… You name it I experienced it. There were curves where I ended in a ditch, but there were also wide opens roads with the wind in my hair. 

I think it’s important as the year ends and another begins to reflect on all we have gone through that past 12 months, if not only to remember and hold those memories but to reflect on what we learned from each experience. Nobody’s life is perfect. We all have our struggles. We all survive. We all learn.

This year I felt like writing it all down and sharing my year, all the highs and lows. Pure truth in the life of Bobbi Jo Scott.
My year started off fresh, spent New Years with my family in Beaufort, NC. It was nice having us all together again. 
Auditions for “Lost in Yonkers” were in February, I was casted as Aunt Gert. Never, ever will I believe all small roles are easy. This was my most challenging role on stage yet. In the middle of rehearsals my life, the walls of my life, pushed in a little closer as I made the trip to Beaufort again to say goodbye to my father. My father died on February 26th from aortic dissection. I returned home to the heaven sent audition schedule and pushed forward giving Gert all I had. I truly love my theatre family, they held me together when I felt I was falling apart. 
The spring brought us to a new beautiful home. Rob and i made a trip to Beaufort to make sure she was doing OK, and help with some of my father’s final paperwork.  Spring had come and gone and a much awaited summer began. I went back work for the summer waiting tables….. Ha! great idea Bobbi. My first summer not being apart of ACLT Summer Musical, but work kept me really busy. Thought about death often this summer. Felt like death was upon me, watching me, stalking me. At the end of the summer I helped my friend Ramona with her production of “Steel Magnolias”. Now I really wanted to audition for this play, but my friends talked me out of it knowing I was directing the next one. I’m glad they did cause this ole girl was pooped! “Steel Magnolias” was an incredible play, with an incredible cast. No denying these ladies, each one of them were spectacular! My Mom had come to visit and I actually got to sit and enjoy my time with her. I felt that was really important.
One of my highs this year was a dream come true. True Ozians know all about the old theme park Land of  Oz.  This year I got to be apart of “Autumn in Oz”,  the park opens for the weekend, and oh what a magical weekend it was! I was only a Munchkin/Ozian… I’m definitely not cool enough for a main role (hence my size and age) but I would do any role. When I say this place is magical.. it truly is. Your heart is full, the anticipation and happiness of all the guests honestly fills your soul. I hope I get to experience that again next year!

I directed my first show this year, “To Kill a Mockingbird”…. Oh what an experience! One I will never forget and so grateful I actually had the chance for this experienced. In theatre you make these bonds… Friendship, love, admiration. This show filled my heart. As a stage actor you know when a show is good…. You feel it, everyone around you feels it. It so different as the director. The feeling on opening night is so intense, so different than being on stage, it’s honestly your biggest fear and biggest accomplishment all rolled up together in a tasty little bite. I learned from some of the best Thespians in the High Country. I casted one hell of a show!

My show had ended, like they all do, and I felt lost. I got real sad. I tried putting my life in perspective and I got lost. It’s so hard trying to be a wife and mother when you’re empty inside. My sadness turned into depression. My depression turned into pain. My health suffered. My family suffered. There were days all I did was replay my life, thinking about my dad, my family, my health. I just pushed myself, until I felt human again. I actually have someone to thank for that. We all have that one friend that can somehow make you remember who you are and why your here. 
Winter was before us, which meant so we’re the holidays…. I just couldn’t get it together. I couldn’t find a job. My family was suffering because of this. I was in more pain then usual. This was my low. My relationship with my husband was changing. I use to be afraid to fall asleep, frightened that I would not wake up. By the time a pushed myself to decorate for the holidays, all I wanted was to not wake up. Thoughts of Christmases past with my father wore heavy on my heart. My dad was like a kid at Christmas! Yet this Christmas all I wanted to do was say goodbye. Tired of the pain both mentally and physically. I am so tired of dying…
We made it through Christmas, thanks to our loving family. It was hard this year. The feeling of not being able to give your children what they want to Christmas sucks! But we pulled off a holiday of what they needed, not what they wanted. Guess what… They lived! 
This New Years all I wanted was to sleep… But I didn’t. I made myself go out. I’m glad I did as I rang in the new year with those who are important to me. I got to talk (probably too much) and spend time with my love’s. And once again I felt alive. I can’t tell you how important it is to live. I live everyday with the possibility of death. (I guess we all do). We don’t know how much time we have. All we can do live. I am ready to start living.
And now it’s over and a new one begins. 
This year I will smile more.

This year I will laugh harder.

This year I will do things I need to do to continue to smile and laugh.

This year I will love harder than I have before.
I hope you do to…….

My Mockingbird

I love theatre. I love being on stage. As much as I love the stage, I also for as long as I can remember, have wanted to direct… and I finally had my chance. I directed To Kill a Mockingbird for our Fall production. 

I can see your eyes! Yes, I chose to direct a cast of over 30 actors as my first production. And before you ask, Yes I am crazy! But who could say no to Mockingbird? It’s a beautiful, powerful story. It is a story of truth…. of love and hate. I remember reading the book in middle school, and once again in highschool. It was one of those books that stay with a person. So yes, I was honored to direct this play. With everything happening in our country, it was a story that needed to be retold.

Ok, so more about the show. Let’s start with the set….

Hello, fabulous set! Welcome to Maycomb, Alabama! My friend Gilly designed this set. He took what I had in my head, and made it 100x’s better than my vision. The man is honestly a Master in set design. Such a creative soul. He’s one of my favorite people, and not because he made my set fabulous, I liked him before I knew of his mastery carpentry skills.

I wish I had taken a picture of the Courthouse. You can see some of it in the collages I will post later. It’s simply amazing to have the turntable…. you see, you just roll off the doors, turn the houses around and roll on two more platforms…. BAM! Courthouse.
I think, for me anyway, the hardest part of directing was casting. You really have to put aside your relationships. In Community Theatre, you become a family. It’s so hard to not break someone’s heart. I focused on the show only. There were some roles I knew instantly, some I struggled with, but in the end I followed my gutt. It could not have been any more perfectly casted. That i am proud of.

These actors were phenomenal. Each and everyone of them, together, brought this story to life. I wish I could talk about each one of them, but this blog would turn into a novel, and who wants that? Though I do have to talk about a couple…. 
The kids…. my Scout, Jem and Dill. These three young actors were impressive. They took direction with ease. These were the ones that lifted me up when I felt like giving up. Just watching them on stage was well worth the stress of my first time directing. Olivia (Scout) is such an amazing actress. This kid makes me smile just walking on stage. Mason (Jem), this young man is going places. He makes me see that no matter what your struggle is in life, you can still be amazing. I love this kid! Nathaniel (Dill) has so much energy, the kind you wish you could bottle up and sell. He has such awesome stage presence! Very talented, and will forever be my DillButt.

My Jean Louise (older Scout), I knew casting this role wasn’t going to be easy. I needed a story teller. See the role of Jean Louise was that she was remembering what happened… telling us the story. When this lady got onstage, I knew instantly that she was my Jean. If you have never seen Ramona on stage, you are missing out! She is such a pleasure to watch on stage, so incredibly talented.

Then there was Atticus. To be completely honest, I hoped this man was going to audition… when he told me he was, I could not wait for his audition. He didn’t prove me wrong, Brant was my Atticus. Pure perfection. I pretty sure he was made for this role… move over Mr. Peck!

My friend Erica auditioned and took the role of Calpurnia. Erica is a beautiful soul, she is a mother of a toddler and an infant and still found time to this show, many nights with a baby strapped to her. That’s commitment. Erica was very passionate about this show. She also singularly got our cast together to go to the highschool and talk to the Honors English class, that had read To Kill a Mockingbird, to talk about our community and racism. I adore her. Oh, and not only that…. she roped her husband into playing Reverend Sykes.

We found our Tom Robinson working at KFC. Well actually Gilly found him…. walked right up and asked him if he’d ever been interested in acting. To our luck he was! Quentin is an absolute doll! Such a natural on stage. So happy to have him!

And then there was Jewel… Ike, who played Mr. Gilmer, begged his beautiful wife to play the roll of Helen Robinson. Thank you Ike! She did so well! 
I could go on and on, there are so many I missed. Thank you all for being apart of this journey in my life. For making my dream even bigger on stage. For Mark who was the meanest Ewell ever! For Jess who gave Mayella the perfect sass. For Jim who played Sheriff Heck, he always gives his all. To my beautiful Miss Maudie and Miss Stephanie who were flawless. For Rebecca for stepping up and taking an extra role when our dear Laura had to have surgery. To all the techies, you all rock! To every person who helped get that amazing set done, thank you! To the kids that sat through an entire courtroom scene without flaw and kept me giggling with your face expressions. To all the Townspeople, the Mob, thank you for so graciously being apart of this show. To Ike who always keep my attention, thank you for doing what you do so well. To my Boo, Jerry, thank you for everything. A big thanks to my wonderful friend Vicki for helping me stay in line during rehearsal. To Christy for taking over as stage manager, you will always be my hero. Most of all to my producer Della, my rock! I just adore this lady, she is honestly the best! Thank you! If I forgot someone I’m sorry, I still love you!
So the season is over. The fall production was a success! I’ve never been so proud of being apart of something powerful. Til next season…..

My Adventure in Oz

I got to spend the last weekend in Oz! Yes, you read that right! 

Once a year, in Beech Mountain, NC, The Land of Oz has an event called “Autumn in Oz”. Land of Oz was once a theme park, that had been shut down. You may have read articles of the park, about it being “abandoned”, well this is not true. OZ is still alive and full of magic certain times of the year. Check out there website for more details! @landofoznc.com
This was my first year at Oz. Oh what an experience. From the make up and costumes, to the guests that kept me smiling. I will never forget this past weekend.
I had the opportunity to play two characters – a Munchkin and an Ozian. Now I know either is as cool as Dorothy or a witch….. but it was still just as exciting! I can’t tell you the feeling it brings, the magical feeling of being apart of something so special. The stories from the older generation of when the theme park was up and running, bringing their children over the summer, the love they still have for this place as they share this experience with their grand children. The excitement and love as the children run up to their favorite characters. Guests of all ages dressed up in costumes. It’s just such a special gift to share with others.
The makeup, did I mention the makeup? These ladies are spectacular!! 

Their is something even more special than the yellow brick road…. it was the people behind the scenes. The cast, the ones that keep it all together, the EMT’s, the ladies that keep our bellies full. Every single person from the seen to the unseen. These people are amazing. I had the chance to work with some I have worked with before, just in a different environment. I got to see friends I haven’t had the chance to see in a while. I met new friends.

I wish I could of had the chance to talked to all the cast members. Hopefully I will be asked back again next year and get the chance then. 

Forgotten

Where are you my friend?

I hear your whispers in the wind.

I swear I heard you call my name.
I saw a glimpse of your face,

Or was it just all in my mind?

Calling out to you, am I insane?
I’m starting to forget your face,

Or maybe just the memories.

It’s been so long since you’ve left.
I still feel you beside me,

My heart still hurts the same.

Gone from here, but never forgotten.

Father’s Day Regret

Today is Father’s Day.
I lost my dad almost four months ago.

I thought about my father all day at work yesterday. I never understood what Father’s Day meant until today. As a child I remember making my dad cards, or drawing a picture, but we really didn’t celebrate the day. Same with Mother’s Day. It in all honesty was just another day to me. Even after all these years I never celebrated Father’s Day with him. I would post a Meme or a message on his Facebook page, I didn’t even have the decency to call him…. WoW…. great daughter. I now regret that. I should have made it special. I should have let him know what he meant to me.

I never did.

There are few pictures of us together. Mostly because we were both always taking the pictures. Though it still makes me sad. Still feel regret.

The only picture of my dad and us girls.

I always thought there would be time. More time for pictures, more time for memories, more time for family. But there are no promises for tomorrow.

I need to not only celebrate the days, but also celebrate life. Not just of those that have past, but mostly for those that live.

Mom, my sister Marianne, myself and my dad.

I miss my dad. I miss him a lot. I miss his quirky FB messages and his sarcastic comments. I miss his little jokes. I miss him tell me diving and hunting stories. I miss his noogie’s, the man enjoyed messing up others hair since he had none. As proof in the picture above. I miss that smile he had when someone was getting on his nerves. And that cheesy grin when he was up to no good.

I miss my dad.

My Wish

A month ago, I went back to work.
I went back to work because I had to. For my family. For myself.

Its bad.

I’m tired. I’m in pain. I’m grumpy.

But I continue to push. Pushing myself towards death. That’s what it feels like. Death.

I am pushing myself off the ledge.

But it’s still not enough. I’m not enough.

I wish….. I wish they could see how hard I’m working. On my feet 6-8 hours straight. Now most may laugh…. “only 6-8 hours”, well those hours are like 24 hours straight to me. You see I have arthritis in my spine, shoulder, feet and hands. I’m carrying plates, trays, glasses. I’m carrying the weight twice that others are, or that what my body feels like. I have to grip harder, hold tighter.
I wish….. I wish they could feel. Feel the stress, feel the pain.
I wish….. I wish they knew how it felt to drain your soul. To push yourself to the point of tears… and to keep on pushing till there is nothing left.

I’m torturing myself. I am my own terrorist.

I’m giving so much to my body, there is nothing left for my family. Everyone hates the other. There is no love in my house. My oldest has been babysitting for me. She hates it. She hates me, she hates her brother and sister. She hates her life.

I’m trying so hard.

I wish….. I wish I could give more. Be more. Do more.
I wish….. I wish I could stop letting others down. My family, my employers, my coworkers.
I wish….. I wish I had more to give.

You see, I have Celiac Disease. I work in a restaurant.  I am constantly around the demon that weakens me. Like Superman working at a Kryptonite warehouse. It takes everything I have. The contamination. The poisoning. The pain. But I keep on going… I have to.

I hate the feeling that it just ain’t enough. I’m not a good enough employee. I’m not a good enough mother. I’m not a good enough friend.
I need to do more, be more. I just can’t. I can’t do more.

I have been a stay at home mom for a long time. A decade. Honestly I wasn’t very good at it. I would do what I could on good days, but those bad days I never did enough. But I tried. I made sure my kids were clean, fed, safe and loved. Maybe the dishes weren’t done, and the dust was out of control, but I learned to get over that. I got up every morning to get the kids to school, did what I could do while they were gone and was there when they got off the bus. I helped them with homework. I made sure the necessary thing were done. Yes, there were days my children watched me crying from the pain. Yes, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I truly hate that my children have seen these days, but there is nothing I can do about that. I just hope it makes the stronger and more compassionate adults. I had time for theatre, one thing that made those bad days a little bit better. I wish I could explain what it feels like to be on stage. To be apart of something. To pretend to be someone else. To make people laugh… or cry. It’s my soul being to be on stage. If only I was as good at it as I am passionate about it. But I don’t have that this summer.

I wish….. I wish I was more.

You see, I have a blood disease. My body acts as though I have cancer, but I don’t. My immune system is shot. My WBC is high. My blood rejects protein and essential vitamins needed to live. My body don’t process…. anything. I am tired, all the time. I have chronic headaches. I awake with a headache, go to sleep with a headache. Everyday.

Because of all this my family suffers. Because of me.

I wish I could be healthy. I wish I could work full-time, take care of my family, keep my house clean, be active with theatre and still have time to have fun with friends. I wish I was like others. I wish I could but I can’t.

I wish I could give you more.

But I keep going…. keep giving it my all. Why? Cause I have to.

Funny how my husband warned me that I couldn’t do it all…. he was right.

My stage.

I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Truly uncomfortable. I don’t like the mirror. I don’t find myself pretty. I’m an average “girl next door”, always have been. In highschool I was weird. Yes, weird. I was not popular and attractive. I was small and mousy. Boys didn’t look at me the way they did other girls. In highschool I loved acting, but was never “leading lady” material. I have never been afraid to perform in front of others, but I have been afraid to “be” in front of others.

…..And I’m OK with that.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found more of myself. A way to be “OK” with that reflection I hated when I was younger. I found it on stage. I found my beauty.

Why do I love being on stage? (I’ve been asked this quite often) It’s simple…. Because acting releases me.. Releases my soul.  I am not the best actress. I am not the prettiest, the smartest, the talented one. But I am the one that will give 110%. I pour my heart into my character, and I become her. It makes me feel alive. I am at home.

In the eyes of judgement..

I never thought I would be here to see my country die. Here I am watching the soul get ripped apart. There is so much hate. No one trusts anyone anymore, and why should they? We do not live in a free country. “Home of the free, Land of the brave” my ass! 

I’m a watcher and reader. I admit it. I randomly cruise through posts on Facebook, read the articles or news reports and read all the comments, but rarely do I state my opinion. I have turned into a silent creeper. I haven’t always been this way, for a long time I was outspoken and stood up for what I believed in. I didn’t care what others thought about me, I was who I was… Deal with it or walk away. Then one day out of fear I sat down. I shut up. I grew a conscious. In all honesty, I hid. In case you’re wondering…. Yes, I lost myself. I conformed to the small town we moved to, and I hid.

I thought I was making life easier for my family. When in fact I was making life harder on myself. I killed my soul. I lost my path.

Truth is I’m not a Christian. I have never been. I don’t base my faith off a book. (If I did J.K. Rowling would be my god)  I was taught love and compassion. I was raised to follow my heart, and to put others needs first. I have always followed my own path. Though “my path” to others is wrong..

When we moved to this small community, I was dumb stricken. People looked at me as if I were a spawn of the devil. Because I am not Christian, I am a devil worshiper. Wrong, dead wrong. I do not even believe in the devil. Honestly if there is a hell… I am living there right now. I believe in what I see and feel. Is there a god? Is Jesus our savoir? No clue. I have never seen or met either of them. Do I believe there is something more, something bigger than us? Yes, I most definitely do. Man or woman? I do not know. Do I pray? Yes but not to anyone in particular. Do I believe in heaven? To a point, yes, I believe we go to a better place, a place of peace until it is time for our next journey. A place where we can see our loved ones once more, a place of true love. I call upon the gods and goddesses when I need help, though not any particular one. The Lord and lady have helped guide me through from rough times. The earth is my mother, the sun my father. Does this make me a bad person? No.

I have been so scared of being myself since I’ve moved here, that I lost myself. Why? I am afraid of being persecuted by this small town. A place that I love. A community I love being a part of. But the fear of them finding out my beliefs took over and I shut up. Afraid of the hate. I am scared my children will be out casted. I am afraid I will no longer be respected, me or my family. Will i lose the friendships I’ve made due to my “religious” beliefs? It’s a deep fear I’ve never experienced.

I personally don’t care what your religion is. I love with no boundaries. If you live your life by the word of God… Awesome. I see no fault in anyone. Good people are good people…. No matter who they pray or don’t pray to. I see a person’s heart, not their religion.

That brings me to the point of this blog…

I am sitting here watching my friends fight, as I quietly support them. A fight I should be fighting, but I allowed fear to take over.

This past month so much has happened in this small community. Living in North Carolina one of the big topics is the HB2 bill. One I am strongly against. It is based on bigotry, racism and shame. Every person should have the same rights as another. Are people really that ignorant?

My friend Melissa, a Democrat, went and spoke at a Republican meeting about this bill. If you’re interested read about it here…  http://bit.ly/1SZpKFc A Bernie Sanders supporter waded into what might have been seen as enemy territory last night at Shatley Springs…

Melissa is my voice, the voice of many. She is taking a stand against this stupid bill. I am honored that she is a part of my “framily”.

Over this past week there has been a big issue in this small town. Our elected officials have place “In God we trust” on our government buildings. Now this not a Christian issue. The issue is that they used tax payers money to do it. I am going to steal the words of my good friend Cassondra Greer……..

“Let me Begin by saying, this is not an attack on Christianity. I do not judge or discriminate against anyone because of their beliefs. I do not believe you are wrong. You have the right to freedom of religion, just as I have the right to freedom from it. It is not my right to say your beliefs are wrong and it is not your right to say mine are. However, Christianity does not represent everyone in this county. But more importantly, $2,500 of taxpayer money being used for idolatry was completely absurd when there are human beings, our neighbors, who are homeless and penniless. It is blatantly disrespectful and a slap in the face to the residents of Ashe to spend OUR tax dollars on showiness and greed simply to push an agenda that everyone does not agree with. These words will only further divide our small County when we should be coming together despite our differences. This is not just a protest against this unnecessary cost to taxpayers but also an attempt to show that there is diversity in Ashe County and that those minorities deserve a voice, too. I want to give people a chance for their voice to be heard because far too often people who go against the majority are silenced and bullied into submission. This is unacceptable and we must speak out if we wish to be heard. I would just like to say, many times today others have said to me “I will pray for you”. My request is this… Instead send those prayers to your God for our brothers and sisters who are less fortunate. Those who go to bed hungry, those without a home and those whose homes are filled with hate. Pray for those who are told to stay silent or are bullied when speaking out against inequality. But, above all else, pray for our brothers and sisters who are discriminated on a daily basis. They need your prayers, well wishes, and positive energy more than I. And finally, please donate to local charities, help out your neighbors, and stop judging them.”

Wise words from a very wise woman. She took it upon herself to start a action against this. (I can’t begin to tell you how very proud I am). Here are some photos by Cassondra of others that took part.

I’m done with my silence.

It’s not about “God”… It’s not about ” Christianity…  It’s about people’s rights. It’s about separation of church and state. It’s about this country and its people. It’s about equality, freedom and love. Stop the hatred!