Who am I?

You ever have one of those days….. weeks… months…

You look in the mirror, it’s your face, but it’s different.
You’ve changed.

You look around and notice little changes. Your friends distance themselves… your children stop listening… your interests are gone. Your children are growing, your partner is growing…. you not so much.

I had so many dreams, so much to give…. Now I’m just an empty shell.
I was once surrounded by people I loved, and whom I believed loved me back…. Now I feel so alone.

Who is this person staring back at me?

image

I use to smile, cause I wanted to
                          Now I smile cause I have to.

I’m sad. Truly sad.
I feel like someone else has taken control of me. Control of my thoughts, my fears…. My happiness.

I use to be the person that made others laugh.
I use to be the one people would confide in.
I use to be a friend.

Now I’m the one no one really wants to be around.

I am hiding.
I can’t leave the house without fear.
I can’t drive, I can’t talk.
I cry more than I laugh.

There is no passion or creativity in my art.
I lost it. I’m not good enough.
I fear of stepping on stage.
I lost it. I’m not good enough.
I have no control over anything, including my children.
I lost it. I’m not good enough.

I’m not good enough.

I have battled depression before. I know that thinking positive can help. I know I’m good enough….. just not good enough for myself.
I have been to hell, lived in hell, and came out of hell.
I have hit rock bottom, and used it as a springboard.

So why can’t I now?

I see what is wrong, I feel what is wrong. Though I have no control. I can’t come back. The fears… the anxiety… the pain… the depression… it’s so overwhelming.
My own thoughts scare me. I scare me.

I walk in a room and I’m lost. I feel and hear people’s thoughts, they don’t want to be around me either.
Heart and soul lost.

Who am I?
How did I get me back?

I want to be someones something.

I don’t want to fear everything.
I don’t want to think everyone hates me.
I don’t want to feel anymore.

BJ Scott

Advertisements

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mon ☠
    Nov 23, 2015 @ 15:39:15

    It’s scary when you don’t have control over the valuable possession known as the mind. Life is a constant state of recovery and victories along the way. Stay well sweetie. Your smile looks very kind

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: