My year in review, 2016.

It has been quite a year. Ups, Downs, Lefts, Rights… You name it I experienced it. There were curves where I ended in a ditch, but there were also wide opens roads with the wind in my hair. 

I think it’s important as the year ends and another begins to reflect on all we have gone through that past 12 months, if not only to remember and hold those memories but to reflect on what we learned from each experience. Nobody’s life is perfect. We all have our struggles. We all survive. We all learn.

This year I felt like writing it all down and sharing my year, all the highs and lows. Pure truth in the life of Bobbi Jo Scott.
My year started off fresh, spent New Years with my family in Beaufort, NC. It was nice having us all together again. 
Auditions for “Lost in Yonkers” were in February, I was casted as Aunt Gert. Never, ever will I believe all small roles are easy. This was my most challenging role on stage yet. In the middle of rehearsals my life, the walls of my life, pushed in a little closer as I made the trip to Beaufort again to say goodbye to my father. My father died on February 26th from aortic dissection. I returned home to the heaven sent audition schedule and pushed forward giving Gert all I had. I truly love my theatre family, they held me together when I felt I was falling apart. 
The spring brought us to a new beautiful home. Rob and i made a trip to Beaufort to make sure she was doing OK, and help with some of my father’s final paperwork.  Spring had come and gone and a much awaited summer began. I went back work for the summer waiting tables….. Ha! great idea Bobbi. My first summer not being apart of ACLT Summer Musical, but work kept me really busy. Thought about death often this summer. Felt like death was upon me, watching me, stalking me. At the end of the summer I helped my friend Ramona with her production of “Steel Magnolias”. Now I really wanted to audition for this play, but my friends talked me out of it knowing I was directing the next one. I’m glad they did cause this ole girl was pooped! “Steel Magnolias” was an incredible play, with an incredible cast. No denying these ladies, each one of them were spectacular! My Mom had come to visit and I actually got to sit and enjoy my time with her. I felt that was really important.
One of my highs this year was a dream come true. True Ozians know all about the old theme park Land of  Oz.  This year I got to be apart of “Autumn in Oz”,  the park opens for the weekend, and oh what a magical weekend it was! I was only a Munchkin/Ozian… I’m definitely not cool enough for a main role (hence my size and age) but I would do any role. When I say this place is magical.. it truly is. Your heart is full, the anticipation and happiness of all the guests honestly fills your soul. I hope I get to experience that again next year!


I directed my first show this year, “To Kill a Mockingbird”…. Oh what an experience! One I will never forget and so grateful I actually had the chance for this experienced. In theatre you make these bonds… Friendship, love, admiration. This show filled my heart. As a stage actor you know when a show is good…. You feel it, everyone around you feels it. It so different as the director. The feeling on opening night is so intense, so different than being on stage, it’s honestly your biggest fear and biggest accomplishment all rolled up together in a tasty little bite. I learned from some of the best Thespians in the High Country. I casted one hell of a show!


My show had ended, like they all do, and I felt lost. I got real sad. I tried putting my life in perspective and I got lost. It’s so hard trying to be a wife and mother when you’re empty inside. My sadness turned into depression. My depression turned into pain. My health suffered. My family suffered. There were days all I did was replay my life, thinking about my dad, my family, my health. I just pushed myself, until I felt human again. I actually have someone to thank for that. We all have that one friend that can somehow make you remember who you are and why your here. 
Winter was before us, which meant so we’re the holidays…. I just couldn’t get it together. I couldn’t find a job. My family was suffering because of this. I was in more pain then usual. This was my low. My relationship with my husband was changing. I use to be afraid to fall asleep, frightened that I would not wake up. By the time a pushed myself to decorate for the holidays, all I wanted was to not wake up. Thoughts of Christmases past with my father wore heavy on my heart. My dad was like a kid at Christmas! Yet this Christmas all I wanted to do was say goodbye. Tired of the pain both mentally and physically. I am so tired of dying…
We made it through Christmas, thanks to our loving family. It was hard this year. The feeling of not being able to give your children what they want to Christmas sucks! But we pulled off a holiday of what they needed, not what they wanted. Guess what… They lived! 
This New Years all I wanted was to sleep… But I didn’t. I made myself go out. I’m glad I did as I rang in the new year with those who are important to me. I got to talk (probably too much) and spend time with my love’s. And once again I felt alive. I can’t tell you how important it is to live. I live everyday with the possibility of death. (I guess we all do). We don’t know how much time we have. All we can do live. I am ready to start living.
And now it’s over and a new one begins. 
This year I will smile more.

This year I will laugh harder.

This year I will do things I need to do to continue to smile and laugh.

This year I will love harder than I have before.
I hope you do to…….

Forgotten 

Where are you my friend?

I hear your whispers in the wind.

I swear I heard you call my name.
I saw a glimpse of your face,

Or was it just all in my mind?

Calling out to you, am I insane?
I’m starting to forget your face,

Or maybe just the memories.

It’s been so long since you’ve left.
I still feel you beside me,

My heart still hurts the same.

Gone from here, but never forgotten.

Father’s Day Regret

Today is Father’s Day.
I lost my dad almost four months ago.

I thought about my father all day at work yesterday. I never understood what Father’s Day meant until today. As a child I remember making my dad cards, or drawing a picture, but we really didn’t celebrate the day. Same with Mother’s Day. It in all honesty was just another day to me. Even after all these years I never celebrated Father’s Day with him. I would post a Meme or a message on his Facebook page, I didn’t even have the decency to call him…. WoW…. great daughter. I now regret that. I should have made it special. I should have let him know what he meant to me.

I never did.

There are few pictures of us together. Mostly because we were both always taking the pictures. Though it still makes me sad. Still feel regret.

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The only picture of my dad and us girls.

I always thought there would be time. More time for pictures, more time for memories, more time for family. But there are no promises for tomorrow.

I need to not only celebrate the days, but also celebrate life. Not just of those that have past, but mostly for those that live.

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Mom, my sister Marianne, myself and my dad.

I miss my dad. I miss him a lot. I miss his quirky FB messages and his sarcastic comments. I miss his little jokes. I miss him tell me diving and hunting stories. I miss his noogie’s, the man enjoyed messing up others hair since he had none. As proof in the picture above. I miss that smile he had when someone was getting on his nerves. And that cheesy grin when he was up to no good.

I miss my dad.

My stage.

I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. Truly uncomfortable. I don’t like the mirror. I don’t find myself pretty. I’m an average “girl next door”, always have been. In highschool I was weird. Yes, weird. I was not popular and attractive. I was small and mousy. Boys didn’t look at me the way they did other girls. In highschool I loved acting, but was never “leading lady” material. I have never been afraid to perform in front of others, but I have been afraid to “be” in front of others.

…..And I’m OK with that.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found more of myself. A way to be “OK” with that reflection I hated when I was younger. I found it on stage. I found my beauty.

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Why do I love being on stage? (I’ve been asked this quite often) It’s simple…. Because acting releases me.. Releases my soul.  I am not the best actress. I am not the prettiest, the smartest, the talented one. But I am the one that will give 110%. I pour my heart into my character, and I become her. It makes me feel alive. I am at home.

In the eyes of judgement..

I never thought I would be here to see my country die. Here I am watching the soul get ripped apart. There is so much hate. No one trusts anyone anymore, and why should they? We do not live in a free country. “Home of the free, Land of the brave” my ass! 

I’m a watcher and reader. I admit it. I randomly cruise through posts on Facebook, read the articles or news reports and read all the comments, but rarely do I state my opinion. I have turned into a silent creeper. I haven’t always been this way, for a long time I was outspoken and stood up for what I believed in. I didn’t care what others thought about me, I was who I was… Deal with it or walk away. Then one day out of fear I sat down. I shut up. I grew a conscious. In all honesty, I hid. In case you’re wondering…. Yes, I lost myself. I conformed to the small town we moved to, and I hid.

I thought I was making life easier for my family. When in fact I was making life harder on myself. I killed my soul. I lost my path.

Truth is I’m not a Christian. I have never been. I don’t base my faith off a book. (If I did J.K. Rowling would be my god)  I was taught love and compassion. I was raised to follow my heart, and to put others needs first. I have always followed my own path. Though “my path” to others is wrong..

When we moved to this small community, I was dumb stricken. People looked at me as if I were a spawn of the devil. Because I am not Christian, I am a devil worshiper. Wrong, dead wrong. I do not even believe in the devil. Honestly if there is a hell… I am living there right now. I believe in what I see and feel. Is there a god? Is Jesus our savoir? No clue. I have never seen or met either of them. Do I believe there is something more, something bigger than us? Yes, I most definitely do. Man or woman? I do not know. Do I pray? Yes but not to anyone in particular. Do I believe in heaven? To a point, yes, I believe we go to a better place, a place of peace until it is time for our next journey. A place where we can see our loved ones once more, a place of true love. I call upon the gods and goddesses when I need help, though not any particular one. The Lord and lady have helped guide me through from rough times. The earth is my mother, the sun my father. Does this make me a bad person? No.

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I have been so scared of being myself since I’ve moved here, that I lost myself. Why? I am afraid of being persecuted by this small town. A place that I love. A community I love being a part of. But the fear of them finding out my beliefs took over and I shut up. Afraid of the hate. I am scared my children will be out casted. I am afraid I will no longer be respected, me or my family. Will i lose the friendships I’ve made due to my “religious” beliefs? It’s a deep fear I’ve never experienced.

I personally don’t care what your religion is. I love with no boundaries. If you live your life by the word of God… Awesome. I see no fault in anyone. Good people are good people…. No matter who they pray or don’t pray to. I see a person’s heart, not their religion.

That brings me to the point of this blog…

I am sitting here watching my friends fight, as I quietly support them. A fight I should be fighting, but I allowed fear to take over.

This past month so much has happened in this small community. Living in North Carolina one of the big topics is the HB2 bill. One I am strongly against. It is based on bigotry, racism and shame. Every person should have the same rights as another. Are people really that ignorant?

My friend Melissa, a Democrat, went and spoke at a Republican meeting about this bill. If you’re interested read about it here…  http://bit.ly/1SZpKFc A Bernie Sanders supporter waded into what might have been seen as enemy territory last night at Shatley Springs…

Melissa is my voice, the voice of many. She is taking a stand against this stupid bill. I am honored that she is a part of my “framily”.

Over this past week there has been a big issue in this small town. Our elected officials have place “In God we trust” on our government buildings. Now this not a Christian issue. The issue is that they used tax payers money to do it. I am going to steal the words of my good friend Cassondra Greer……..

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“Let me Begin by saying, this is not an attack on Christianity. I do not judge or discriminate against anyone because of their beliefs. I do not believe you are wrong. You have the right to freedom of religion, just as I have the right to freedom from it. It is not my right to say your beliefs are wrong and it is not your right to say mine are. However, Christianity does not represent everyone in this county. But more importantly, $2,500 of taxpayer money being used for idolatry was completely absurd when there are human beings, our neighbors, who are homeless and penniless. It is blatantly disrespectful and a slap in the face to the residents of Ashe to spend OUR tax dollars on showiness and greed simply to push an agenda that everyone does not agree with. These words will only further divide our small County when we should be coming together despite our differences. This is not just a protest against this unnecessary cost to taxpayers but also an attempt to show that there is diversity in Ashe County and that those minorities deserve a voice, too. I want to give people a chance for their voice to be heard because far too often people who go against the majority are silenced and bullied into submission. This is unacceptable and we must speak out if we wish to be heard. I would just like to say, many times today others have said to me “I will pray for you”. My request is this… Instead send those prayers to your God for our brothers and sisters who are less fortunate. Those who go to bed hungry, those without a home and those whose homes are filled with hate. Pray for those who are told to stay silent or are bullied when speaking out against inequality. But, above all else, pray for our brothers and sisters who are discriminated on a daily basis. They need your prayers, well wishes, and positive energy more than I. And finally, please donate to local charities, help out your neighbors, and stop judging them.”

Wise words from a very wise woman. She took it upon herself to start a action against this. (I can’t begin to tell you how very proud I am). Here are some photos by Cassondra of others that took part.

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I’m done with my silence.

It’s not about “God”… It’s not about ” Christianity…  It’s about people’s rights. It’s about separation of church and state. It’s about this country and its people. It’s about equality, freedom and love. Stop the hatred!

Saying goodbye to my dad….

On Friday, February 26th 2016, I lost my Dad. He was 59 years old.

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It’s been over a month. I’m still dealing with the fact that I will never see him again… My dad is gone.

My father was a auto mechanic by trade, but his love was the sea. He was a dive instructor (though he hadn’t taught in many years), he loved the water. His passion was wreck diving, he was a pirate on a search for treasure. He worked hard, and played harder. My father never stopped, always on the go. He also enjoyed hunting and fishing. My dad was a very gifted photographer of both land and sea.

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Photo by Bruce Sanders

                                                               Photo by Bruce Sanders

He loved his family. He loved his friends. He was a good man.

My father and I had a strange/hard/loving relationship. See he wasn’t my biological father, he fell in love with a single mom. The first memory I have of my dad was my fifth birthday party. My mom brought this stranger to my birthday, a month later they were married and I had a daddy. Not only did I have a dad, but now all of a sudden I went from being an only child to one of three girls. I inherited two little sisters. When I was younger he would take me hunting and fishing. He taught me to scuba dive. He was the first person to put a camera in my hand (a love I never let go and still have, yet never fully fulfilled). We had a good relationship, that is until I became a teenager. I was rebelious and basically out of control. He was short tempered. As an adult, I know he was just disappointed in me – he just wanted more from me. I get that now that I’m a parent.

The last twenty years have been different. We were friends. I could talk to him about anything. Becoming a grandfather softened the man I thought was so hard. He was always smiling.

My dad was a prankster. I love hearing stories from his friends of all the rotten, yet ingenious jokes my father would pull. I looked forward to his dive season videos and his photos. There will be no more Facebook videos…. No more jokes…. No more stories. No more silly pictures of him from my mom, or pictures of my Mom from him. No more memories.

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Photo by Bruce Sanders

I think about him everyday. I still cry everyday. Songs repeat in my head. Stories. Memories.

Shortly before his death my father accomplished one of his biggest dreams, he got his Captain’s license. He was so proud. We were all proud. As I said before, other than my mother, his love was the ocean.

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Photo by Bruce Sanders

For his funeral I chose the song “Come Sail Away” by Styx. I knew he loved that song as much as I did. I knew every word to that song, though the words didn’t hit me until I fully listened during his funeral…. It’s funny how a song that use to make you smile, now brings a flood of emotions.

I am grateful he chose me to be his daughter. He never gave up on me. He pushed me when he knew I needed it. I am who I am partly due to him, and I am grateful for every memory we made. In the words of Brad Paisley….. He didn’t have to be. He didn’t have to love me. But he did. I had 36 years with the man I call my dad. I’m grateful for every one of them.

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I love you dad. Always. I will see you soon.

Living with the truth…. Celiac…. What?

Best and worst day of my life.

It’s not just a diagnosis, it’s a “life” change.

I can’t explain how hard it is to give up foods you love. Do you realize how many things are made with glutens? It’s insane. It’s in everything!

Unless you live alone, have plenty of money to de-glutenize your entire kitchen, and the entire family goes gluten free, you are constantly contaminating yourself. You are always in pain. Your gut controls your life.

Do you understand Celiac Disease?

Celiac is not curable. You can’t just stop eating gluten and poof, you’re cured. It’s not just “a watch what you eat” diet. If you are lucky to catch it at a young age you can help prevent other long term diseases, but you will always have the disease.

I was diagnosed at a later age, almost forty. There is damage that has been done that cannot be reversed. I live with that, do my best to be positive and allow my body to do what it can.

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So… I’m going to tell you a story about a girl….
This girl had dreams, big dreams. Those dreams disappeared slowly until the day they were no more. See this girl spent so much time in medical offices getting all the wrong diagnosis, trying to get better, only to get worse. She started to feel unbalanced.

Her hands would crap, and shake real bad. (She gave up painting)
Her feet continuously cramped. (She gave up running)
Her back would hurt so bad, she couldn’t stand. (She gave up sports)
She would go months with a headache. (She gave up going out with friends)
Her skin would be covered in these bumps, almost blisters, on her legs. (She stopped wearing shorts)
Her stomach would swell, and get rock hard. (She gave up getting dressed, stayed in pajamas)
Her hair was so dry, nothing helped. (She cut all her hair off)
Her skin was so dry it would crack. (She just cried)
Her teeth started rotting. (She stopped smiling)
She spent more time in the bathroom then she did outside. (She lost her friends)

Her immune system kept failing her. She was sick all the time.

She could no longer look in the mirror. She hated herself and her body. She became extremely sad. Tired of the pain, tired of the comments from others. Tired of living.

This girl spent too much time worrying about the pain, she forgot to live, she forgot her dreams.

Then one day she reconnected with an old friend, he made her feel alive. She felt healthier, and felt control come back into her life. She was happy. She was still in pain, but happy. He came with a beautiful little girl, she loved her like her own. Then they started a family, a miracle actually considering she couldn’t have them. They had two beautiful babies. She thought… “I can do this! I can live a normal life.” Then it came crashing down. The pain, the weakness, the no drive to do anything. So afraid she wouldn’t be good enough for them, So she pushed herself. She pushed and pushed, until she broke.

Back to more doctors, more specialists……

Then one day they figured it out! She wasn’t crazy, she wasn’t over dramatic, she wasn’t alone. For once someone cared enough to do the right tests, to find the right answers.

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So that’s where her story began… Starting over. 

Well my story, that’s where my story began.

I have good days, I have bad days. I have days that are so hard to even try to explain. I still suffer. I still cry everyday. I awake with a headache every morning. I still don’t like mirrors. My teeth are in bad shape, and it makes me not want to smile, that’s hard for me to not do. I’ve been gluten free for over a year and a half, though I do feel better my stomach still burns everyday, I am still contaminated daily for I have to cook for my family. I have extremely low if not null vitamin definacies – D, B, B12, iron, magnesium, potassium among others, not only from the Celiac also in thanks to a blood disease. I am often weak, or as some may say lazy. I can’t stand for long periods of time, my feet and mid back hurt and cramp. I can’t sit for long periods, my lower back spasms and sends electric shock up my spine to my brain and my feet fall asleep. Thank you Mr. Arty for that. I paint as often as I can, but with shaky hands I have had to relearn how to paint.

I get sick more than most. I am always cold, even when I’m hot. I am always hungry no matter how much I eat. Eating hurts. I am not healthy no matter how hard I try or what I do. I am constantly in pain. I’ve spent too much time in hospitals. I am often sad, and I hide. I have few friends that I rely on and trust. I don’t leave the house often, only when it is needed. I don’t give my children as much as I wish I could.  I feel sorry for myself.

Get over it! You aren’t the only person living this way!

And so my story continues……

I have so much in my life. I have a husband who I believe honestly loves me. I have crazy, out of control, loving, adorable children that keep me going. I’m still here, I’m still breathing. I do what I can when I can. I still push myself, sometimes to hard, but I have to. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I’m learning to “re-live”, live around my multiple challenges. I’m trying. I’m grateful for what I have, and those that will stay for the journey.

So my painting skills are off…. Hell I was never a Picasso.
So my teeth may fall out…. I’m sure there is a funny play out there with a hillbilly.
So long hair may not be my thing…. It’s OK, I look good in wigs.

It’s hard for people to understand what another is going through. Even people with the same disease are different. We all suffer in one way or another. It makes us who we are.

Memes!

Ok I just love Memes. You know those crazy little quotes or pictures passed and shared on all these wonderful social networks, that we all love to hate!

You’ve got your religious memes, your inspirational memes, your political memes, your ignorance memes, your plain old “life is hell” memes, your holiday memes……. Ok you get the point. They’re out there, a little some thing for everyone.

My favorites are inspirational quotes from the Facebook pages of Spirit Science, Spirit to Spirit, Collective Evolution. They always have something that brings a smile to my face, a blog post to my mind, an idea for a Short Story or Screenplay…. always something. They are short quotes or sayings from names you recognize, and I always seem to see them when I need a little “nudge” in life.

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See memes are great!

BJ Scott

Parenting…. Ugh

As we get older we respect our parents so much, and are grateful for them not killing us as teenagers.

HELLO lightning bolt!

I can’t say sorry enough to my parents… for frankly, just being an asshole. I see it now being a mother of a teenage girl. (YaY, I get to do it two more times!)

Parenting is hard. Trying to figure out right from wrong on the “right way” of parenting is complicated and frustrating. As mothers and fathers we know we can’t be perfect, but we try so hard to be. We try to do more than our parents did, be better than our parents were, and supply more than our parents did. Even those that had the “Perfect Parents” and say they will be happy being half the parent that their own parents, deep inside still want to be more.

As parents, we are still human. We have flaws. We have anger. We have pain. As much as we say, and try to not show our children our true selves, we can’t always hide who we are. They still see things you wish they hadn’t. You still say things you know you shouldn’t. We are human, we are not perfect.

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So true. I love this quote.

I am flawed. I speak before I think. The whole foot in mouth syndrome, yelp that’s me. Especially when it comes to my children. I wish I could take back 60% of the crap that comes out my mouth. I say something stupid… I feel ashamed… I get mad at myself… then I get mad at everyone else… it’s a vicious cycle.

My biggest fear is that I’m hurting my children, that they think they hate me. I say think cause I know they really don’t. I’m afraid I’m disappointing them, that I am not enough. I’m afraid they will wish they had a different mom. I’m afraid of them feeling that I don’t love them, wishing they knew that is furthest from the truth, that they are my whole world. I am afraid I’m failing them.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like this, but it sure feels like it sometimes. I just feel alone.

Parenting is hard. Hardest job I’ve ever had. I may not be doing it right, but I’m doing the best I can.

BJ Scott

The dreaded 4 0

So in three days I’m turning forty. Yes 40! Where did the years go? I am basically half way dead?

And why is this such a hard birthday? What makes 40 so different?

I’m going to tell you what I think…..
1.  You’ve already lived half your life. It makes me think… what have I done with my life?
2.  If you’re a parent, you see how much your children have grown. When I think about that, I get sad.
3.  You look at your finances…. And you wonder where did it all go? (Some of us anyway)
4.  You look at your friends, you compare yourself.

Now I look at those four things, they are big. Right there…. those are my reasons for living…..

1.  You’ve already lived half your life. 

Yes, I have, and I made it. What have I done with my life? I lived. It’s not the life I pictured after high school, or even college. I never saw myself as a stay at home mom, hell I never saw myself as a mother. I’m not “living the dream”, but I’m happy. I have three beautiful children, a husband that loves me… What more could I ask for? I am breathing, laughing and making memories.

2.  If you’re a parent, you watch your children grow, and get sad.

Yes it makes me sad, sometimes even mad. But it’s also incredible to see what little pieces of you are inside them. That’s probably the best feeling. The older they get and the more I watch them grow, the harder it is. I’m ok with that. For the most part they are happy, healthy and compassionate people… that makes me smile. I’m not doing as bad a job as I may think.

3. Finances…..

Ugh. As a child you don’t realize how stressful money issues are. As an adult it’s a killer. We’ve been up, we’ve been down. But we always make it. We may be broke sometimes, but my kids are fed and clothed, they have a roof over their head, warm beds to sleep in and hugs whenever they need. A lot of children don’t have any of that. If I had more money, I’d help them all.

4.  You look at your friends….

Damn it, I am grateful for those friends! I have the best circle of friends a girl could ask for. They are my family. They are there for me in so many ways… I wish I could do more for them. There are things I compare. Some are more successful, some are better parents, some are prettier, more talented. But does that really matter? Nope.

°°°°So I’m turning forty°°°°

I’m still not happy with it. It’s a big deal right now. But I’ll get over it.

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