Find your person.

Lately all I’ve been feeling is negativity. Every time I’m around others, I feel tension… Like they would rather spend time anywhere but in my company. I feel so alone. I could not give you one name of a friend I could call this very moment if I needed someone. That makes me sad. Is it my fault? Have I pushed everyone away that I care about?

I’m not very close with my family and besides my closest relative lives 6 hours away. I don’t have a best friend. I have “Theatre” friends, but only a couple that know the true me. But I don’t have that person… My person. I lost my person 22 years ago, my best friend, my sister, due to someone’s carelessness. It took me over a decade to let someone in again. Everytime I let someone get that close, life happens… Things change.

You don’t realize how important it is to have that type of person in your life. Someone who is just a part of you. Not your partner or spouse, or your mom.. but someone that you can let everything go with and be your true self…. Raw and Real. That one person that no matter what will not judge you, but will be honest and caring at the same time. Your total opposite, yet your twin in some sense. The Ying to your Yang. Your sanity.

I’m a complicated person. I’m actually a little weird. I’m a complete introvert unless it has to do with Theatre or Volunteering. I love to be around people, yet hate it in the same breath. I have complete anxiety in large groups, yet in theatre that’s really what you have.. large groups of people all the time. I’m probably one the happiest people you know, and the saddest. I know what’s right, yet my mind always thinks of the wrong. I’m really a glass half empty kind of girl, but act like a glass half full. I am the person who makes others run. I have so much passion for things, but no confidence to do anything about it.

I guess if I wasn’t me, I may not want to be around me either. Maybe that’s why I keep losing my person.

So the whole point here is…. Find your person. Life is so much more interesting with one!

Find. My. Person.

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Broken

When I’m feeling broken and I get that feeling that I’m not sure if I can go on, I say this to myself over and over…. “The darkest night will end, and the sun will rise” – It will and it does. Kind of ironic coming from a person who thinks about death every day. Yes, I want to die. But I can’t. Dealing with chronic illness is horrible. I push and push until I can’t anymore. I have few friends and the few that I call my friends are incredible, but I’m still alone. I have a beautiful family, wonderful husband, 3 crazy kids… I’m in a full house of love, but I’m still alone. My life is consumed by pain. Pain is my number one priority. Pain is my enemy. Pain makes me want to give up. I want to die. But I can’t. Recently I had a friend who passed. We were not “bestie’s”, I didn’t know his deepest darkest secrets… But he was a good man. He was giving and loving. And way too young to die. The reason I’m telling you this is because 2 days after his funeral his girlfriend committed suicide. She was in so much pain, she felt it necessary to end her own life to be with him. I didn’t even know this woman, but I felt such pain. I felt broken. I cried for her, I cried for her family. I cried for myself, cause I have felt that need. I feel it Every day. So the crazy idea that I want to die…. The craziness that I think about it every single day…. Some may say I’m suicidal. Maybe I am. But I could never end my life. I couldn’t do that to my children, I couldn’t do that to my husband or the people that love me. No matter how much I hurt, no matter how sad I get…. I know I am loved and needed by someone. So I push and I push…. And another day passes. I would do anything to not be this way. To not have these thoughts. To not feel. But this is the hand I was dealt, not sure why but it’s mine. So I stay as strong as I can. Let the thoughts run their course and push through. Til tomorrow…

Aside