Uncomfortable

I recently had my very own “Mommy” vacation. I drove over 800 miles, alone, to Florida – this my friends was a big deal… See I hate driving. I don’t even want to drive to Wal-Mart, which is only about 5 miles from my house. And driving more than an hour is extremely difficult for me. (Damn arthritis)  But I did it, I did it for me.

A little about this vacation… I got to visit and camp with some very special people, family really. See when I lived in Florida, my husband and I, use to volunteer at this festival, a “Earthy” festival. A place where you feel love, and nature. A place I like to call home. A place where I don’t have to be “uncomfortable”.

I really needed that week. I got to center myself, release some built up energy, but most of all relax. I had long conversations, deep connections and time alone. It rejuvenated my soul. But also weakened it.

I got to do a lot of soul searching… I asked the universe for a sign that I was on the right path, and I don’t think I was. I was feeling uncomfortable.

There is that word again… uncomfortable.

I need to feel whole again, to love myself completely… to stop being so damn uncomfortable in my own skin. But…. I don’t know how to do that?

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Lately I have been going through a rough patch with my 15 year old. Now I know this is “normal” for mothers and daughters. Nothing I say is right, nothing I do is right. I am the enemy. This makes me uncomfortable. See I am her mother, but not her biological mother. I have raised her for the past ten years. I have helped her to become the woman she is becoming. So I guess that goes to show what a great mother I am when the child I raised is disrespectful, and unruly. What have I done wrong? How do I figure it out so I don’t repeat it? I’m left… just plain…. uncomfortable.

I am falling back into that pit of despair, this time with no ladder, and no will. I am lost.

I am grateful it is “Summer Musical” time. Large cast makes lo it easy to get lost. One place I’m comfortable is the stage. I don’t have to think, feel or be. I just have to pretend.

If only life was that easy……

Wow. To much.