It’s just the pain talking…..

Plain and simple…. I am a medical mess.  I don’t know exactly when it all went down hill, I just know it’s been over 20 years and very few answers. Of course Dr’ s and specialists have had there answers, just to have another Dr shut down their diagnosis. It has been an ongoing cycle of no answers.

I have been diagnosed with everything from lupus, fibromyalgia, to death. It has only been in the past couple years of actual real scientific answers. Let’s start with the easiest… von willebrants disease, just your run of the mill hemophilia blood disease (now I know why childbirth almost killed me), osteoporosis (thank you hysterectomy), osteoarthritis (yay, great), IBS (irritable bowel syndrome… need I say more), gastritis (why not add a little more pain), extreme internal hemroids (thank you children), migraines (let’s just thank everything for these bad boys), depression and anxiety….. really, you think?

Of course now my biggest wait is testing on my heart and lungs… I tend to get pneumonia at minimum of once a year, my lungs have actual scar tissue or “something” (stupidest spots that don’t go away). My fingers are “clubbing” (don’t know about it… Google it’s gross.) So Dr is concern. So we wait on more tests…. it’s always something.

Ok, so there is a small just on me… I’m sure I am not alone. My heart goes out to all that suffer from a chronic disease.

I have tried coming to grips with my health… but it’s always there, I can’t just ignore or run away from it. I can’t let it run my life either! So everyday I fight. Everyday I open my eyes and pray that today is better than the day before. I try to stay positive, so not to bring others down with negativity… that is real important to me.

I am a mother of three, a wife, a friend. Not a “feel sorry for me” victim. I hate that I live this way, that I have to live this way. It’s not who I am, or who I’m meant to be.


The closet

She sat alone in the darkness
Too afraid to open her eyes
She heard the footsteps getting closer
She moved close to the corner of her closet
He would not get her this time
He was close to the closet door
She sat there not making a sound
She couldn’t even breathe
The closet door open
She could see the light through her eyelids
She was afraid if she opened her eyes
He would be right there
She lifted her head
Opened her eyes
His shoes were right there
She looked up at him
“Tag, your it”, and he ran off
He was good….

Worth the wait.

I’m am your regular girl next door, nothing special, nothing flashy. I was always the girl that no one took notice, yes I had boy friends in high school – I wasn’t a total drag, but nothing super here. I had more guy friends than I did girls, most girls didn’t “get me”, I wore baggy jeans, flannel shirts and my hair pulled back. I hardly wore make-up and when I did it was cause I was having an ugly day, or a friend talked me into it. I liked things simple, I liked going unnoticed. I would sit in my room alone for hours writing poetry and short stories, and be quite happy doing so. Though I would also yearn for the opportunity to be part of a group. In my head I liked being different, but in my heart I wanted so bad to be a part of something.

Even 20+ years later I’m not all that different.

Now I am a wife, and mother of three…. and people still don’t get me. I am a stay at home mom, a painter, a photographer, an actor and a writer. I live in a huge Christian community, though I am not Christian. I hate the cold, yet I live in the mountains. I am complicated, hard headed and stubborn… yet I am easy going, soft and large hearted. I love my life, YES there are things I would love to change, but for the first time in my life I am completely content. I learn more about myself everyday and I really like the woman I turned out to be. I am lucky enough to have a beautiful relationship, one that should probably be really complicated, but it works, we work. He’s my soul mate, my best friend and my love. I have three children that drive me completely crazy, yet make me so proud that they call me mommy. I have some incredible friends that are more than just friends – they are family. Best of all they actually “get me”.  I get to share my love in my art, wether in form of canvas, photo or on stage.

I finally feel I am a part of something, it may have taken me over twenty years, but it was well worth the wait.