Free yourself

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I couldn’t say it better….

There WILL come a point in your life, probably more than once, when you need to free yourself.

Always think of yourself. You cannot help anyone else, if you’re not sure of yourself.

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Tired of living like I’m dying…

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So a week ago I decided it was time…. time to quit the narcotics. This isn’t the first time.

I hate pain killers. I have seen first hand what they can do to you, it’s not pretty. I have seen addiction, I have seen despair.
No. I am not addicted, my only addiction is nicotine. Which is another thing I will be trying to give up in just a few days. Not happy to do it, but it needs to be done.

I want my body, mind and soul back.

I hate the feeling of dependency. I have been on the pain killers for 2 years this time. I can’t do anything without them. Now mind you, they don’t take away the pain, I was only taking 20mgs a day of vicadin, they would allow just enough relief to get what I needed to get done… or what I could get done.

This week has been HELL! My body hurt from head to toe, I couldn’t stop shaking… the internal bone pain was so intense, I actually felt like I would be better off dead. My brain wasn’t working, my muscles were locked and my head felt like little mice were in there chipping away at my skull. It was excruciating. But I made it…. and I am not looking forward to next weeks nicotine withdrawal.

People close to me know what I’m going through. People like me understand the pain. Though most people around me, don’t get it at all. They don’t see me… they only “see” me. They see a petite, skinny woman. Most people “hate” me cause of my size. If they only understood how much I hate me too.

I’m going to share why I am the way I am. I don’t tell many people my personal health issues unless I trust them, but today I’m telling whomever will listen.

First, I have osteoarthritis (hands, feet, spine, and hips) and osteoporosis (40% bl). There are days, especially during winter and certain weather pressure that I can’t move, I can’t grip and I shake. This causes deep muscle spasms, and pain that only one whose experiences understands.

Second, I have a blood disease that causes me to not make enough red bloods cells or platelets. My white cells are always elevated, causing my immune system to shut down. Which is why I spend a lot of time in the hospital with pneumonia. My blood is thin and dark, strange combination. I have Von Willebrants disease, and auto immune disease. Honestly the doctor’s are still searching for answers, on why my blood changes so quickly. My body lives like I have cancer, though I don’t. It’s hard living safely when you’re a mom, I have to remember, one fall… one accident, could make me bleed to death.

Third, I have nerve damage, though the doctor’s say it’s fibromyalgia. Until there is a test that positively says I have something I don’t believe it….

And last but not least…. the freaking gut… celiac disease, IBS, and gastritis. My stomach hates me! I don’t eat gluten, acids or pork. I can’t gain weight. I try and try but I can’t.

So you see…. I’m a mess! I try so hard to live life positively, but there are days I have to be human. I have to live though. I have to mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter. I can’t lay still and allow myself to die. I wake up everyday praying that my body can heal itself… but how can it when I’m shoving one pill after the next in my mouth. You take one for this…. but you need this one to counteract that one, and these cause this, so now you have to take that. I’m plain sick of it. I’m tired of living like I’m dying!

So first…. goodbye pain pills. I can only do one at a time. Soon it will be goodbye nicotine… then anti-depressants… than stomach pills and last arthritis pills. How can I heal when all I am doing is suppressing it? So I’m going back to healing it naturally. I’m so tired of being tired, depressed and in constant pain. What kind of mother allows her children to see her like this (though I hide as much as I can). What kind of wife am I if I can’t allow my husband to hold me cause it hurts? What kind of friend am I when I stay locked up in my house so they don’t see the pain?

I’m tired of living like I’m dying! I’m taking my life back.
I need to be here, for as long as I have left, I need to be strong.

So those around me…. My family, my friends… bare with me please, I may not seem like myself for a little while, I’m learning to live again…. learning to live and push through the pain… and hopefully I’ll be back stronger than ever!