My Wish

A month ago, I went back to work.
I went back to work because I had to. For my family. For myself.

Its bad.

I’m tired. I’m in pain. I’m grumpy.

But I continue to push. Pushing myself towards death. That’s what it feels like. Death.

I am pushing myself off the ledge.

But it’s still not enough. I’m not enough.

I wish….. I wish they could see how hard I’m working. On my feet 6-8 hours straight. Now most may laugh…. “only 6-8 hours”, well those hours are like 24 hours straight to me. You see I have arthritis in my spine, shoulder, feet and hands. I’m carrying plates, trays, glasses. I’m carrying the weight twice that others are, or that what my body feels like. I have to grip harder, hold tighter.
I wish….. I wish they could feel. Feel the stress, feel the pain.
I wish….. I wish they knew how it felt to drain your soul. To push yourself to the point of tears… and to keep on pushing till there is nothing left.

I’m torturing myself. I am my own terrorist.

I’m giving so much to my body, there is nothing left for my family. Everyone hates the other. There is no love in my house. My oldest has been babysitting for me. She hates it. She hates me, she hates her brother and sister. She hates her life.

I’m trying so hard.

I wish….. I wish I could give more. Be more. Do more.
I wish….. I wish I could stop letting others down. My family, my employers, my coworkers.
I wish….. I wish I had more to give.

You see, I have Celiac Disease. I work in a restaurant.  I am constantly around the demon that weakens me. Like Superman working at a Kryptonite warehouse. It takes everything I have. The contamination. The poisoning. The pain. But I keep on going… I have to.

I hate the feeling that it just ain’t enough. I’m not a good enough employee. I’m not a good enough mother. I’m not a good enough friend.
I need to do more, be more. I just can’t. I can’t do more.

I have been a stay at home mom for a long time. A decade. Honestly I wasn’t very good at it. I would do what I could on good days, but those bad days I never did enough. But I tried. I made sure my kids were clean, fed, safe and loved. Maybe the dishes weren’t done, and the dust was out of control, but I learned to get over that. I got up every morning to get the kids to school, did what I could do while they were gone and was there when they got off the bus. I helped them with homework. I made sure the necessary thing were done. Yes, there were days my children watched me crying from the pain. Yes, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I truly hate that my children have seen these days, but there is nothing I can do about that. I just hope it makes the stronger and more compassionate adults. I had time for theatre, one thing that made those bad days a little bit better. I wish I could explain what it feels like to be on stage. To be apart of something. To pretend to be someone else. To make people laugh… or cry. It’s my soul being to be on stage. If only I was as good at it as I am passionate about it. But I don’t have that this summer.

I wish….. I wish I was more.

You see, I have a blood disease. My body acts as though I have cancer, but I don’t. My immune system is shot. My WBC is high. My blood rejects protein and essential vitamins needed to live. My body don’t process…. anything. I am tired, all the time. I have chronic headaches. I awake with a headache, go to sleep with a headache. Everyday.

Because of all this my family suffers. Because of me.

I wish I could be healthy. I wish I could work full-time, take care of my family, keep my house clean, be active with theatre and still have time to have fun with friends. I wish I was like others. I wish I could but I can’t.

I wish I could give you more.

But I keep going…. keep giving it my all. Why? Cause I have to.

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Funny how my husband warned me that I couldn’t do it all…. he was right.

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Uncomfortable

I recently had my very own “Mommy” vacation. I drove over 800 miles, alone, to Florida – this my friends was a big deal… See I hate driving. I don’t even want to drive to Wal-Mart, which is only about 5 miles from my house. And driving more than an hour is extremely difficult for me. (Damn arthritis)  But I did it, I did it for me.

A little about this vacation… I got to visit and camp with some very special people, family really. See when I lived in Florida, my husband and I, use to volunteer at this festival, a “Earthy” festival. A place where you feel love, and nature. A place I like to call home. A place where I don’t have to be “uncomfortable”.

I really needed that week. I got to center myself, release some built up energy, but most of all relax. I had long conversations, deep connections and time alone. It rejuvenated my soul. But also weakened it.

I got to do a lot of soul searching… I asked the universe for a sign that I was on the right path, and I don’t think I was. I was feeling uncomfortable.

There is that word again… uncomfortable.

I need to feel whole again, to love myself completely… to stop being so damn uncomfortable in my own skin. But…. I don’t know how to do that?

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Lately I have been going through a rough patch with my 15 year old. Now I know this is “normal” for mothers and daughters. Nothing I say is right, nothing I do is right. I am the enemy. This makes me uncomfortable. See I am her mother, but not her biological mother. I have raised her for the past ten years. I have helped her to become the woman she is becoming. So I guess that goes to show what a great mother I am when the child I raised is disrespectful, and unruly. What have I done wrong? How do I figure it out so I don’t repeat it? I’m left… just plain…. uncomfortable.

I am falling back into that pit of despair, this time with no ladder, and no will. I am lost.

I am grateful it is “Summer Musical” time. Large cast makes lo it easy to get lost. One place I’m comfortable is the stage. I don’t have to think, feel or be. I just have to pretend.

If only life was that easy……

Wow. To much.

The world’s my stage….but I’m tired

I am so tired…. literally the sleepy, lazy kind. There just aren’t enough hours in the dark.

It’s not that my life is exciting or busy. I’m a stay at home mom. A disabled stay at home if you ask. I cook, clean, do homework, make beds, go on field trips, volunteer at school and with in the community. I enjoy my life, I love my family, but I am just so freakin tired of dealing with one health problem after another. I done with the pain. I try so hard but some days my house can look like the Sanford house. It not only makes me feel terrible, it makes me feel like a loser, and no one likes to feel like that.

I am hardcore involved with our community theatre, it is my home away from home. I feel better on stage than I do anywhere else. Now let me tell you, I’m not the best actress, but I do ok!  We do 4 productions a year and have November-February off. (Winters can get hectic in the mountains) I’ve been pretty active the past few years. If I’m not on stage, I’m painting it. It makes me feel alive, it kills me pain wise but fills my mind with such positivity and emotion that it kinda helps ease the pain. It helps bring me out of my “funk”, and my theater family is beyond awesome! (That’s another blog…one day)

This is also the time of the year I have the biggest love/hate relationship with myself. See I suffer from winter depression, it is also the worst time of year for my arthritis. But on the other hand, I love (and I mean seriously LOVE) the holidays!

But this year it’s different… I’m exhausted, and in more pain than I have ever been. I hate complaining, especially when I am the one doing the complaining. (Another reason for starting this blog…. So I have a place to complain 🙂 

I need a winter activity…. I need something…. I need to be around people…. I don’t want to feel this way any more.