Broken

When I’m feeling broken and I get that feeling that I’m not sure if I can go on, I say this to myself over and over…. “The darkest night will end, and the sun will rise” – It will and it does. Kind of ironic coming from a person who thinks about death every day. Yes, I want to die. But I can’t. Dealing with chronic illness is horrible. I push and push until I can’t anymore. I have few friends and the few that I call my friends are incredible, but I’m still alone. I have a beautiful family, wonderful husband, 3 crazy kids… I’m in a full house of love, but I’m still alone. My life is consumed by pain. Pain is my number one priority. Pain is my enemy. Pain makes me want to give up. I want to die. But I can’t. Recently I had a friend who passed. We were not “bestie’s”, I didn’t know his deepest darkest secrets… But he was a good man. He was giving and loving. And way too young to die. The reason I’m telling you this is because 2 days after his funeral his girlfriend committed suicide. She was in so much pain, she felt it necessary to end her own life to be with him. I didn’t even know this woman, but I felt such pain. I felt broken. I cried for her, I cried for her family. I cried for myself, cause I have felt that need. I feel it Every day. So the crazy idea that I want to die…. The craziness that I think about it every single day…. Some may say I’m suicidal. Maybe I am. But I could never end my life. I couldn’t do that to my children, I couldn’t do that to my husband or the people that love me. No matter how much I hurt, no matter how sad I get…. I know I am loved and needed by someone. So I push and I push…. And another day passes. I would do anything to not be this way. To not have these thoughts. To not feel. But this is the hand I was dealt, not sure why but it’s mine. So I stay as strong as I can. Let the thoughts run their course and push through. Til tomorrow…

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