Dreams…. or mayhem?

I have been pretty much down in the dumps lately.

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Yep… just like this little guy… I wish I could crawl up in a ball for 48 hours… no kids… just me, a comfy bed, and Lifetime movies.

I have been having these crazy dreams lately.. filled with loss, and tragedy. All on me, and all my doing. I think it’s getting to me a bit. I have always listened to my dreams, they have always had a meaning.  But I have done things in these dreams that I would never in my life even think of doing. These dreams are not ME.

I can’t figure them out. Maybe the first one bothered me so much that my conscience is repeating them. Or do they actually mean something?

And why… Oh why are they bothering me so?

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Photo’s of Love… Chapter 1

I am not a very photogenic person, I hate my big “all teeth and gum” smile. That’s why my place is behind the camera. 🙂

I have always been a nature photographer, I love trees, could sit under one for hours taking pictures.

Though recently I have been drawn to portrait photography, something about capturing a little piece of someone just makes me feel happy. Especially if it’s any type of celebration, seeing and feeling people’s emotions, it comes out in the picture, but also stays in my heart.

I had the honor and privilege of shooting the wedding of close friends. It was simply beautiful. Not only cause they were so easy to photograph, but I know their story, I know how they got to this day.  I know their happiness.

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You can see it, and you definitely could have felt it if you were there!

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What an incredibly awesome family they have meshed together!

One of the most touching photos I took that day was a replica of the grooms parents wedding picture. They got married in the same house…. same living room as his parents.

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And here they are holding his parents wedding picture.

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Like I said, I was honored that I was part of their beautiful day.

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They are just the cutest aren’t they! I am happy they are apart of my life… incredible peeps here!

And we can’t forget the cupcakes…… Made by an incredible young 15 year old baker. (Who at the time was still 14) Such talent!

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I have to add a small plug-in here. The bride…. Melissa Edmondson. She is an exceptional talented writer. She has been published in a few time in those “Chicken soup for the soul” books. The self-help short stories that can either make you laugh or cry. She just published her first book of short stories called “Lessons Abound” available on kindle books, goodreads and soon to be available in print. Check her out @missyspublicjunk here on WordPress!

My life painted.

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Yes, I am all of the above!

I have shared my love of theatre with you, now I will share my love of art. I love to paint! It doesn’t matter if it’s on canvas, rocks, styrofoam, or walls. I like to paint, plain and simple.
Now I am not the best artists out there… but it makes me happy, and that’s all that matters!

So I thought I would share a couple of my happiness with you…

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I painted this for friends of mine as a house warming gift. This saying…. explains them.

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I love little inspirational qoutes. But I really need to work on my lettering….. don’t judge 🙂

And a few random pieces of smiles

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This was on above…. was a wedding present for my dear friends Melissa and Richard (when I share my love of photography, you’ll see more of them).

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Below is a painting I did for my mom’s birthday.

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So there’s just a few random paintings of happiness. Just felt like sharing.

I don’t look sick…..

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It’s hard when your insides just don’t match the outer shell.

There are days when the pain is so bad, that even those little demon pills don’t help. Today is one of those days.

I have this small problem, I don’t stop when I know I should. I try so hard to be so much more than I am. When in reality I am in so much pain it’s hard to even fake a smile. I try to put up with the pain around my husband and children, I am so afraid of letting them down. I push and push until I just can’t push no more…… that’s when I end up in the hospital.

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In all honesty… my life is hard. It’s hard to get up every morning, it’s hard to stay awake throughout the day, and its hard to sleep at night. I am constantly fighting myself.

I am tired of fighting the pain. There are days when I just want to give up… and just allow myself to die. But then I look at my children and that thought is quickly erased.

I don’t look sick…… but I know I am.

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Yes it can! I have hope, I think it one of those things that keep me going. I look at my kids and husband, and know how blessed I am. I look at friendships… I have to have the most amazing friends. They give me hope. They believe in me…. they don’t see the person I see, they see me so much better than I am.

I don’t look sick, but I know I am.

Admitting that takes a lot for me. In my children’s eyes, do I look lazy or weak? Does my husband second guess his life having a stay at home wife, but things just don’t always get done? Do people outside my world think I am just a lazy no good mother whose probably on crack? I don’t know? And that scares me to death, wondering what others see?

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I often wonder if this is true.

Was I dealt this hand for a reason? Did I choose this life? That is for another time and post…. one where I get all scientific and analytical. Don’t want to bore you today…

So today as I deal with today’s pain….. I think I’ll take it easy.  I don’t look sick, but I know I am.