Who am I?

You ever have one of those days….. weeks… months…

You look in the mirror, it’s your face, but it’s different.
You’ve changed.

You look around and notice little changes. Your friends distance themselves… your children stop listening… your interests are gone. Your children are growing, your partner is growing…. you not so much.

I had so many dreams, so much to give…. Now I’m just an empty shell.
I was once surrounded by people I loved, and whom I believed loved me back…. Now I feel so alone.

Who is this person staring back at me?

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I use to smile, cause I wanted to
                          Now I smile cause I have to.

I’m sad. Truly sad.
I feel like someone else has taken control of me. Control of my thoughts, my fears…. My happiness.

I use to be the person that made others laugh.
I use to be the one people would confide in.
I use to be a friend.

Now I’m the one no one really wants to be around.

I am hiding.
I can’t leave the house without fear.
I can’t drive, I can’t talk.
I cry more than I laugh.

There is no passion or creativity in my art.
I lost it. I’m not good enough.
I fear of stepping on stage.
I lost it. I’m not good enough.
I have no control over anything, including my children.
I lost it. I’m not good enough.

I’m not good enough.

I have battled depression before. I know that thinking positive can help. I know I’m good enough….. just not good enough for myself.
I have been to hell, lived in hell, and came out of hell.
I have hit rock bottom, and used it as a springboard.

So why can’t I now?

I see what is wrong, I feel what is wrong. Though I have no control. I can’t come back. The fears… the anxiety… the pain… the depression… it’s so overwhelming.
My own thoughts scare me. I scare me.

I walk in a room and I’m lost. I feel and hear people’s thoughts, they don’t want to be around me either.
Heart and soul lost.

Who am I?
How did I get me back?

I want to be someones something.

I don’t want to fear everything.
I don’t want to think everyone hates me.
I don’t want to feel anymore.

BJ Scott

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Memes!

Ok I just love Memes. You know those crazy little quotes or pictures passed and shared on all these wonderful social networks, that we all love to hate!

You’ve got your religious memes, your inspirational memes, your political memes, your ignorance memes, your plain old “life is hell” memes, your holiday memes……. Ok you get the point. They’re out there, a little some thing for everyone.

My favorites are inspirational quotes from the Facebook pages of Spirit Science, Spirit to Spirit, Collective Evolution. They always have something that brings a smile to my face, a blog post to my mind, an idea for a Short Story or Screenplay…. always something. They are short quotes or sayings from names you recognize, and I always seem to see them when I need a little “nudge” in life.

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See memes are great!

BJ Scott

Frankie (A Short Story – Intro)

She was broken, and angry. Her life was spinning out of her control.

She gave the gift of passion and hope to all those around her, but as soon as she was alone everything changed. She had no passion. She had no hope. She spent her life touching others’ hearts, making them laugh out loud, or making them cry when they didn’t know they needed to. Her life had once felt magical, not so much now.

“Frankie, girl… pull it together”, she stared at her drab face in the mirror. She turns on the water and washes her face, puts on her make up, smiles at the mirror. “One more show and were out of here…. Last one, then we say goodbye.”

Frankie grabbed her bag and keys and looked at her empty house. It was hell living here. She missed the laughter, the yelling, the love that made this house their home. It was gone, all that was left was an empty shell. Same as her soul. The living room was empty except for a blown up mattress, a small table and laptop. There were no pictures on the walls, only holes where they use to hang. The bedrooms were empty. It killed Frankie’s soul to be in this house, this house of memories.

“Damn, late again, story of my life”, she grabs her cell phone and rushes out the door. “One more show.”

BJ Scott