Uncomfortable

I recently had my very own “Mommy” vacation. I drove over 800 miles, alone, to Florida – this my friends was a big deal… See I hate driving. I don’t even want to drive to Wal-Mart, which is only about 5 miles from my house. And driving more than an hour is extremely difficult for me. (Damn arthritis)  But I did it, I did it for me.

A little about this vacation… I got to visit and camp with some very special people, family really. See when I lived in Florida, my husband and I, use to volunteer at this festival, a “Earthy” festival. A place where you feel love, and nature. A place I like to call home. A place where I don’t have to be “uncomfortable”.

I really needed that week. I got to center myself, release some built up energy, but most of all relax. I had long conversations, deep connections and time alone. It rejuvenated my soul. But also weakened it.

I got to do a lot of soul searching… I asked the universe for a sign that I was on the right path, and I don’t think I was. I was feeling uncomfortable.

There is that word again… uncomfortable.

I need to feel whole again, to love myself completely… to stop being so damn uncomfortable in my own skin. But…. I don’t know how to do that?

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Lately I have been going through a rough patch with my 15 year old. Now I know this is “normal” for mothers and daughters. Nothing I say is right, nothing I do is right. I am the enemy. This makes me uncomfortable. See I am her mother, but not her biological mother. I have raised her for the past ten years. I have helped her to become the woman she is becoming. So I guess that goes to show what a great mother I am when the child I raised is disrespectful, and unruly. What have I done wrong? How do I figure it out so I don’t repeat it? I’m left… just plain…. uncomfortable.

I am falling back into that pit of despair, this time with no ladder, and no will. I am lost.

I am grateful it is “Summer Musical” time. Large cast makes lo it easy to get lost. One place I’m comfortable is the stage. I don’t have to think, feel or be. I just have to pretend.

If only life was that easy……

Wow. To much.

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The world’s my stage….but I’m tired

I am so tired…. literally the sleepy, lazy kind. There just aren’t enough hours in the dark.

It’s not that my life is exciting or busy. I’m a stay at home mom. A disabled stay at home if you ask. I cook, clean, do homework, make beds, go on field trips, volunteer at school and with in the community. I enjoy my life, I love my family, but I am just so freakin tired of dealing with one health problem after another. I done with the pain. I try so hard but some days my house can look like the Sanford house. It not only makes me feel terrible, it makes me feel like a loser, and no one likes to feel like that.

I am hardcore involved with our community theatre, it is my home away from home. I feel better on stage than I do anywhere else. Now let me tell you, I’m not the best actress, but I do ok!  We do 4 productions a year and have November-February off. (Winters can get hectic in the mountains) I’ve been pretty active the past few years. If I’m not on stage, I’m painting it. It makes me feel alive, it kills me pain wise but fills my mind with such positivity and emotion that it kinda helps ease the pain. It helps bring me out of my “funk”, and my theater family is beyond awesome! (That’s another blog…one day)

This is also the time of the year I have the biggest love/hate relationship with myself. See I suffer from winter depression, it is also the worst time of year for my arthritis. But on the other hand, I love (and I mean seriously LOVE) the holidays!

But this year it’s different… I’m exhausted, and in more pain than I have ever been. I hate complaining, especially when I am the one doing the complaining. (Another reason for starting this blog…. So I have a place to complain 🙂 

I need a winter activity…. I need something…. I need to be around people…. I don’t want to feel this way any more.